For years I actually chose to be single. I was too busy; had too much to do before settling down. Dating, relationships, marriage... these things simply weren't a priority. Although, I enjoy dating, however, my dreams and the pursuit of those dreams were steadily on my mind as well as a passion for adventure. 8 years ago those things were main priority. I really cannot stand the pity.
Nor can I stand the pressure of the Christian bubble within the "Bible Belt". The "bubble" insists that as soon as you graduate from college or even high school for that matter that you must find a mate. As a young woman, I must find a man who is a Christian, is responsible and... let's be honest, a bunch of other words/phrases they all mimic after one another because they think it is what everyone wants to hear. Expectations; image; peer pressure.
I live within the bubble. I broke out once. I was free. And, I am back in only now the experience of freedom has made it so much more tolerable. Normally I can even tolerate the occasional nosy person trying to pry into my personal life. But when there are a number of people prying, it begins to wear on you. This is the place I am at right now. I am worn down. I allow the prying to disrupt my contentment.
Every time someone brings up my singleness in one way or another, I feel as if I should tell them of all my adventures; the places I've traveled, the places I've lived, the people I've known, and the things I have discovered. I don't though. (That would only be awkward because there aren't too many people in the state of Texas who actually ask about you or who take the time to know you. They only observe and then think they know you based on a very few conversations and observations. I am a Texan. I tend to do this myself so I know).
Realization: I hope you don't think me bitter. I only say all this because in actuality, most of the nosy busy bodies within the Christian society only mean well and are in reality reawakening the passionate adventurous spirit I once had.
You see, God knows me best. I believe He knows me so well that He is using my prideful, stubborn and strong-willed spirit to only help me find my way back to Him. When the nosy interfere, it only incites my prideful, stubborn, strong-willed spirit to act. It only makes me want to prove them all wrong really, but then in moments like right now when I am really thinking about it I realize that it is all pushing me to find myself again-to get out there-to be open.
So, I am looking for just the right vacation: affordable, away from work, and simply refreshing. I haven't a clue what that might be, but I'm on it. I'll find out soon enough. For now, I am challenging myself often with small risks to take. Like for example, calling up an old friend and asking them to hang out...on a weekday. Ooohh, too risky you think? I know, it sounds ridiculous that that is even a risk, but these days it is risky to me. 6 years grieving and I am still excepting all these changes in life. I am still getting to know who I am now, excepting I will never be who I was before and only getting more and more excited about who I am going to be. So why pity me? Why feel sorry for myself? No worries, right?!
While time passes waiting for that guy God has destined for me, I need to make the most of every opportunity, continue to know my God more;live for His purpose and except the place he has me in right now. I have become fearful and I do not like that! Baby steps, baby steps...until I find that strength and confidence I once knew so well.
