"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me."
Friday, July 13, 2007
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Cathartic reality of TV's Dawson's Creek...
I was never a big fan of Dawson's Creek. It was pretty ridiculous to me to view the lives of these fictional teens using overly articulated verbiage in a dramatic scene which depicts "typical" teenage life of woe and angst. Seriously, how unrealistic can you get! (Maybe that's why so many people in the world prefer lame reality shows today.)
Anyways, I am on vacation. Therefore, I am taking the time to veg out and enjoy some TV. So of course, I watched a reunion show of Dawson's Creek. Let me set the scene...
It's a few years after college. Each Dawson's Creeker has gone their own way, but have reunited for the wedding of Dawson's mother. They are all grown up and facing the many harsh realities of the real world.
On the evening of their return, they all happen to meet at some place they use to hang out where Pacey is now the new owner. They eat, drink, and catch up on old times. Each one expresses how much they have cherished one an other's friendship. And as they depart this scene of communing, little nuggets of info are disclosed about each one's past, present, and future. It is suppose to show their group bond and their individually unique relationship with one another as well as their unconditional love for one another. Also, it reveals that each one holds a life-changing secret. (Oooohhh....Now, at this point of the show, I am not so amazingly touched, but I feel as if I will be. Normally, I would change the channel, but I am curious...)
Now that I have set the scene, I will quickly get to my main point instead of describing each individual character's secret. The main one I want to concentrate on is the character played by Heath Ledger's woman, Michelle something. Her character is Jen. Jen holds the most serious secret...
Jen is dying. While she was pregnant with her daughter, a hole in her heart was found. Her secret is revealed when, at the wedding, she collapses on the dance floor while dancing with her best friend, the token gay, Jack. And end scene...
The next scene: The crew of friends anxiously await the prognosis in the waiting room. They are told that it is not good and to all go home. Jack stays. (By the way, as Jack visits Jen, the others drive home together, worried but trying to humorously distract themselves from their worry. Kind of lame, but in reality, you do find herself doing just that.) Jack enters Jen's hospital room just as she awakens. He is hurt by the fact that she never told him of her condition. He is frustrated yet he is there for Jen while, she in turn, is there for him.
Jen has grown into the wise old sage of the group after giving birth and after living with the knowledge of dying. Jen ends up consoling Jack by relaying to him the simple fact that she knows she is dying. She will die. Yet she is content and satisfied because she has had her daughter and her friends.
Believe it or not, this is when I was touched. It was so very predictable and kind of cheesy, but effective. I immediately began to calmly weep. Tears poured from my eyes. Tears of true sorrow mixed with a hint of envy and frustration.
Sorrow for my own loss. Envy because I never had that chance to hear the truth, as Jack did, from my best friend. In hindsight, I am keenly aware that Trina new very well that she was going to die. No one may have told her for certain, but somehow, she new. So, I continue to calmly weep. And then I become frustrated as random thoughts rush through my mind.
FRUSTRATION!! Hello, it's a flippin' television show--their TV experience is romanticized! Death rarely happens in such a way with friends. It just, BAM!...happens. And you are left to rawly deal with every emotion and cause-n-effect situation.
As I face my frustration, the show ends. I weep as I continue to process all these thoughts. I find that I am angry and frustrated because Trina never told me just how serious her situation was. How could she be so selfish?! How could she leave us without allowing us to say goodbye like they did on Dawson's Creek!?!? How could she leave us dumbstruck by it all?!? You may laugh, but I really did think it. This flows from the frustrating daze that a lot of us, her closest friends and her family, still wander in today. Each one of us are so much more affected by her death than we could have ever imagined.
The frustration subsides. I begin to think about our friendship. Immediately I am encouraged. I think about where I could have been. I could have remained the same-never changing! Have mercy! I cannot imagine being the same person today that I was just a few short years ago. That would suck. Instead, here I am, an even more complex character who still has many faults, yet now, I know a bit more. The awareness of who I am now and of who I will be arises out of a partially miserable journey full of crappy phases and waves of horrific grief as well as beauty and inspiration. The phases ranged from severe heartache; daze and confusion; anger; and sorrow to strength to face the past; strength to deal with secrets and a genre of issues to a very new appreciation of God, my family, my friends and for life. I experience joy now. I had been a christian since I was 17 and I had never known joy. Amazing. The joy is a little weird to me, but nice. It's peaceful. Still, nothing is perfect. But there is greater hope. I feel as if most things, if not everything, still suck. However, this breath of new life is filled with an overpowering existence of hope. Hope found in the love of God-in the amazing grace of God.
Jesus. Jesus. How I long to say His name with such meaning and passion just because.
Anyways, if life had played out like Dawson's Creek, I wonder if I would be the person I am now-the person I am becoming? No.
Would this passion arising within my soul for Jesus even exist? No.
Would I appreciate this life? Would I even try to make the most of this life? No.
And would it really have been like Trina to share with all of us the reality of her illness? No. She never liked pity.
So, I take pleasure and inspiration in the memories I have of Trina as she was: strong, spirited and ornery. Yet loving, sweet, loyal, brave, overly honest, and a veritable pig (that girl could eat. And I say that with all due respect). She was simply an imperfect human being. That is pretty much why we were friends. We were basically the same.
I still get frustrated and angry, but it never lasts too long. At times, it is still too surreal. Only now, life is experienced; lived! The unexpected is welcomed. It may kick my butt, but at least I'll continue to change; to grow just as all of us have changed and grown.
Each one of us, Trina's friends, has changed. One friend, Erin faces her job with strength, compassion, and tenacity because it really is what she was called to do and because she wants to. Another, Melissa, is growing in faith and trust. She and her husband and baby boy recently moved to Thailand for his work. And Trina's dear friends (and mine too), Tony and Anne-Elise are living the life that alot of us fear and shouldn't fear (or maybe its just me, I don't know). They have a blissful marriage and are expecting their first child. And another dear friend, Kathlee, well, she is no longer the peacemaker, the mediator, the supportive one. She is finally living her life. These are just a few. Trina had way too many friends to count. But these are the ones I know well.
Everyone of us, Trina's friends, have continued to move forward. I...I am letting go, slowly, of the control I always thought I had. I am living my dream using my gifts while at the same time learning; trying to appreciate it. I am much more vulnerable. I am raw. Crying is no longer a sign of weakness.
Anyways, I am on vacation. Therefore, I am taking the time to veg out and enjoy some TV. So of course, I watched a reunion show of Dawson's Creek. Let me set the scene...
It's a few years after college. Each Dawson's Creeker has gone their own way, but have reunited for the wedding of Dawson's mother. They are all grown up and facing the many harsh realities of the real world.
On the evening of their return, they all happen to meet at some place they use to hang out where Pacey is now the new owner. They eat, drink, and catch up on old times. Each one expresses how much they have cherished one an other's friendship. And as they depart this scene of communing, little nuggets of info are disclosed about each one's past, present, and future. It is suppose to show their group bond and their individually unique relationship with one another as well as their unconditional love for one another. Also, it reveals that each one holds a life-changing secret. (Oooohhh....Now, at this point of the show, I am not so amazingly touched, but I feel as if I will be. Normally, I would change the channel, but I am curious...)
Now that I have set the scene, I will quickly get to my main point instead of describing each individual character's secret. The main one I want to concentrate on is the character played by Heath Ledger's woman, Michelle something. Her character is Jen. Jen holds the most serious secret...
Jen is dying. While she was pregnant with her daughter, a hole in her heart was found. Her secret is revealed when, at the wedding, she collapses on the dance floor while dancing with her best friend, the token gay, Jack. And end scene...
The next scene: The crew of friends anxiously await the prognosis in the waiting room. They are told that it is not good and to all go home. Jack stays. (By the way, as Jack visits Jen, the others drive home together, worried but trying to humorously distract themselves from their worry. Kind of lame, but in reality, you do find herself doing just that.) Jack enters Jen's hospital room just as she awakens. He is hurt by the fact that she never told him of her condition. He is frustrated yet he is there for Jen while, she in turn, is there for him.
Jen has grown into the wise old sage of the group after giving birth and after living with the knowledge of dying. Jen ends up consoling Jack by relaying to him the simple fact that she knows she is dying. She will die. Yet she is content and satisfied because she has had her daughter and her friends.
Believe it or not, this is when I was touched. It was so very predictable and kind of cheesy, but effective. I immediately began to calmly weep. Tears poured from my eyes. Tears of true sorrow mixed with a hint of envy and frustration.
Sorrow for my own loss. Envy because I never had that chance to hear the truth, as Jack did, from my best friend. In hindsight, I am keenly aware that Trina new very well that she was going to die. No one may have told her for certain, but somehow, she new. So, I continue to calmly weep. And then I become frustrated as random thoughts rush through my mind.
FRUSTRATION!! Hello, it's a flippin' television show--their TV experience is romanticized! Death rarely happens in such a way with friends. It just, BAM!...happens. And you are left to rawly deal with every emotion and cause-n-effect situation.
As I face my frustration, the show ends. I weep as I continue to process all these thoughts. I find that I am angry and frustrated because Trina never told me just how serious her situation was. How could she be so selfish?! How could she leave us without allowing us to say goodbye like they did on Dawson's Creek!?!? How could she leave us dumbstruck by it all?!? You may laugh, but I really did think it. This flows from the frustrating daze that a lot of us, her closest friends and her family, still wander in today. Each one of us are so much more affected by her death than we could have ever imagined.
The frustration subsides. I begin to think about our friendship. Immediately I am encouraged. I think about where I could have been. I could have remained the same-never changing! Have mercy! I cannot imagine being the same person today that I was just a few short years ago. That would suck. Instead, here I am, an even more complex character who still has many faults, yet now, I know a bit more. The awareness of who I am now and of who I will be arises out of a partially miserable journey full of crappy phases and waves of horrific grief as well as beauty and inspiration. The phases ranged from severe heartache; daze and confusion; anger; and sorrow to strength to face the past; strength to deal with secrets and a genre of issues to a very new appreciation of God, my family, my friends and for life. I experience joy now. I had been a christian since I was 17 and I had never known joy. Amazing. The joy is a little weird to me, but nice. It's peaceful. Still, nothing is perfect. But there is greater hope. I feel as if most things, if not everything, still suck. However, this breath of new life is filled with an overpowering existence of hope. Hope found in the love of God-in the amazing grace of God.
Jesus. Jesus. How I long to say His name with such meaning and passion just because.
Anyways, if life had played out like Dawson's Creek, I wonder if I would be the person I am now-the person I am becoming? No.
Would this passion arising within my soul for Jesus even exist? No.
Would I appreciate this life? Would I even try to make the most of this life? No.
And would it really have been like Trina to share with all of us the reality of her illness? No. She never liked pity.
So, I take pleasure and inspiration in the memories I have of Trina as she was: strong, spirited and ornery. Yet loving, sweet, loyal, brave, overly honest, and a veritable pig (that girl could eat. And I say that with all due respect). She was simply an imperfect human being. That is pretty much why we were friends. We were basically the same.
I still get frustrated and angry, but it never lasts too long. At times, it is still too surreal. Only now, life is experienced; lived! The unexpected is welcomed. It may kick my butt, but at least I'll continue to change; to grow just as all of us have changed and grown.
Each one of us, Trina's friends, has changed. One friend, Erin faces her job with strength, compassion, and tenacity because it really is what she was called to do and because she wants to. Another, Melissa, is growing in faith and trust. She and her husband and baby boy recently moved to Thailand for his work. And Trina's dear friends (and mine too), Tony and Anne-Elise are living the life that alot of us fear and shouldn't fear (or maybe its just me, I don't know). They have a blissful marriage and are expecting their first child. And another dear friend, Kathlee, well, she is no longer the peacemaker, the mediator, the supportive one. She is finally living her life. These are just a few. Trina had way too many friends to count. But these are the ones I know well.
Everyone of us, Trina's friends, have continued to move forward. I...I am letting go, slowly, of the control I always thought I had. I am living my dream using my gifts while at the same time learning; trying to appreciate it. I am much more vulnerable. I am raw. Crying is no longer a sign of weakness.
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